| State of my heart, in better words than I could ever say it. |
[Oct. 1st, 2008|12:03 am] |
I've been getting weaker by the day
Like an ailing orchard, I've been leaving dead fruit in my wake
There's a bitter bite inside of me
Because I've been feeding something other than my spirit's deepest need
Remind me how you've turned me inside out
I've been crucified losing my life
Resurrect me, spirit will you heal me?
You have given grace, given me faith in the Christ who gave himself for me
How can I be unchanged now that I see?
Drowning in my debt you credited your righteousness to me
Everything I thought was upside down
But every time I find identity in You
You show me how
I once was lost
But now in You I'm found
I've been crucified losing my life
Resurrect me, Spirit will you heal me?
You have given grace, given me faith in the Christ who gave himself for me
I've been crucified losing my life
Resurrect me, Spirit will you heal me?
You have given grace, given me faith in the Christ who gave himself for me. |
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| This is Exciting! |
[Feb. 5th, 2008|09:01 pm] |
So this is neat because Gala Bent is my Illustration teacher! I knew that she and her husband were working on something for Asthmatic Kitty, but to see her name on their site unexpectedly is really cool. There are talented, creative, original, neat people in the world, you know? And it's neat to be able to say I know some of them. Like you. And you and you and you.
In other news, I had an EXCELLENT conversation with someone today, and God is so awesome it continually blows me away. Yup! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2007|11:49 pm] |
. . . .
How does one break a five month livejournal hiatus?
It's weird to be updating again. I don't know why I stopped, exactly.
. . . .
I guess it's because most other people stopped? It became stagnant? Maybe.
Maybe I'm updating again because I deleted my facebook and flickr accounts. I did so because I want to be doing, rather than sitting and stewing. I would rather be taking photos than uploading them. I would rather write people letters than write on their walls. But mostly, I need to dedicate my time to different things, especially in regards to the pursuit of building a relationship with the Lord.
I want to do that.
So what has been happening? What has been new? I unpacked all the boxes from this summer and set up my room once again at Devon Way. It was weird. I don't know necessarily if I want to stay here...I don't know if all those things will just sit for a few months and then be packed up again...it is always so uncertain. But that's just how it is, I guess. I shouldn't be complaining.
Break has been better than I thought it would be, actually. My favorite memories so far have always occurred late at night, when my mom and I sit by the fire and prop our feet up and pull out the puffy fluffy blankets and just talk for hours or watch a movie. Sugar Plum, our dog since I was in kindergarten, is present once again, due to the passing of one of our family members, my dear Granddad. The first parting among us, in a way.
I found myself looking at old yearbooks. And remembering a lot of things. Unpacking and repacking one's room is always...not an unpleasant task, but a uncomfortable one. You always stumble upon memorabilia that you would care to forget, which dredge up a flood of seemingly forgotten memories. My basketball trophies. The corduroy purse I wore all the time freshman year. A purple boa that was for spirit days and football games at Mountain View (I don't think I ever used it, but I still can't believe I even have one). A grey heathered Hurley hoodie that reminds me of braces and being in 8th grade. A red leather purse my cousin Craig gave me for Christmas last year that still has the tags on it. Clay art projects from middle school that I don't really want but hold on to anyway. I realize, looking back, how in bondage I was, to everything-- to being cool, being accepted, being liked-- I was miserable for most of middle school and part of high school. I am so glad that I am free from those things, and at SPU, and not in high school anymore. I just didn't really fit in. But that's okay. And I'm glad.
It's neat, to look back and see God's presence in absolutely everything. From the reconciliation between my Grandma and my mom to seeing old pictures of myself and Meliss and the cloudy veil that was steadily creeping over our faces and our hearts. We were going downhill, I think, and the Lord brought us out of that. He did indeed.
Things are good my friends. I don't even know what I mean by that, but there you are. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2007|10:45 pm] |
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Psh. Scratch my last post, God is faithful, God is good! He triumphs over all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2007|09:10 pm] |
YES! FREE TIME TO ACTUALLY POST AN ENTRY-- A RARE COMMODITY.
Story of my life this past summer. Free time, so far, has been no time. No time for free time. Yup.
Basically, my life has been going something like this:
Wake up at 6:30. Dreams are put on pause for a minute or so while I grasp blindly for my phone and squint at the screen to make sure I actually press "snooze" and not "end". (That happened once, and it resulted in me having a conniption and being 10 minutes late for work). Resume dreams in a half awake state for the next half hour. Struggle out of bed. Go to work and listen to either a) the jazz station b) the Christian station c) the classical station or d) the local college station (all of which are next to each other in that order) on the way there. Get there early and eat a granola bar while watching the City of Fort Collins people mow the grass, the squirrels climb trees, and birds scavenge for food.
7:55- walk into the library while being serenaded by the magical and mysterious flutist.
8:00- 12:00- shelve picture books, put juvenile fiction and non-fiction in order, shelve multiple VHS tapes and DVDs of Bob the Builder and Thomas the Tank Engine, help people find the Harry Potter section.
The past couple days, I have spent 12:00- 4:30 helping my mom clean out one of her rental houses, which she plans on selling. To be honest, the house is, well, really gross-- I dunno. The other day I spent an hour or more scrubbing flaky orange fungus from the shower. :( <-----EXTREME DISMAY WAS HAD. But at the same time, my mom and my sister and I chat while we work and make the best of it, the three of us. It's kind of discouraging, though, because I think it will take a very long time to bring the house up to par-- painting the outside, the inside, repairing damage-- I think we are far from finished.
Previous to this project, this slot of time was taken up by moving all of Granddad's belongings from his house in Loveland to Fort Collins-- and added to that, cleaning his house from top to bottom for a very par-tick-u-lar buyer, to say the least. But he is moved now and that is good.
Then, from 5-6 every day I drive over to my Grandma's house and make her dinner, talk with her, make sure she takes her pills, mow and water her back yard, and help her with her back pain. I enjoy spending time with her-- I have learned things about her life I never knew before.
****
Oh yeah. So this post got interrupted and I am finishing it 24 hours later. Bits of conversation from the remnants of the discussion group are floating up the stairs to my ears. It is a pleasant, peaceful, sound.
For the first time in what feels like weeks, I feel somewhat peaceful and relaxed. My room is kind of hot (we don't have air conditioning, but that's okay...one less thing to pay for) but my red curtains are pulled across the window, I can hear a cricket chirping away outside, and my golden yellow-orange lamp is the only light on in the room and I am lying on my stomach on top of a sleeping bag, typing on Melissa's laptop. It is nice. I like it.
But yeah, this summer has been so busy. When I am finished visiting my Grandma, I am either a) working on homework for Astronomy II (which we have an absurd amount of...last week I had to write two papers, read two chapters, take two assessments, AND visit the planetarium...no dice) b) Bible study c) church or d) taking care of the house and/or other "surprise" responsibilities. So far this summer, we have had to harvest an overgrown lawn, capture and release mice (well, only one so far...I am afraid live traps are no longer working, so we shall have to resort to more drastic measures, much to my dismay), attempt to fix a caved-in drain in the bathtub (how does that even happen?), our dryer broke, and our washer over flowed. Needless to say, we have had an unusual amount of difficulties lately.
On top of that, I managed to hit a gi-hugic pot hole and got a flat tire at one in the morning, Melissa's car is making strange noises, I accidentally gave away the surprise of a surprise birthday party, Barns and Noble erroneously overcharged me $100 causing my bank account to go in the red and...yeah. I have just been feeling overwhelmed and tired from it all. I am thankful for this bit of peacefulness tonight.
I am very thankful for community...it's really neat that God has provided a place for Meliss and Eva and I to host gatherings. Bible study is growing outrageously, and it's great! And discussion group is hosted at our house as well. There is lots of otter pop eating, laughing, praying, discussion, encouragement, support, music making (to the extreme, what with a piano, an accordion, a violin, flutes, guitars, banjos, and sometimes drums (when Lauren is in town!) all accessible) and just...joy here. It's really neat. I am also extremely thankful for the library job and that I am not working at Coldstone...and also that I have had the opportunity to get to know my Grandma better. I will write more about her and the things I have learned and experienced with her later.
One thing I am sad about, though, is that I feel like I have no time for the things I wanted to do this summer...namely, read books, take photos, make art, and make music. Primarily the first two. But I am growing a lot...I am growing in responsibility, in discipline, in knowledge, in self-sufficiency, in courage...I am facing being an "adult" which scares me. (Being an adult= Working. Paying rent. Writing checks. Buying mops. Doing dishes. Getting mouse traps. Mowing the lawn. Managing money. Fixing broken appliances. Scheduling appointments. Calling customer service when things get messed up. Going to bed early. Taking care of the car. Making dinner. Being responsible for one's self. Etc. etc. etc.) And, I am learning to lean on God. So that is good. I am glad I am not sleeping my summer away, either...I realize now, looking back on last summer, that that is not wise. Ben Franklin had it right, strangely.
I think that's all for now. Goodnight. |
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